Здесь будут анекдоты, шутки-прибаутки и карикатуры на английском.
Студенческий юмор * College Humour
Voice on phone: “John Smith is sick and can’t attend classes to-day. He requested me to notify you.”
Prof : “All right. Who is this speaking?”
Voice: “This is my roommate”.
to notify – известить, оповестить
roommate – сосед по комнате
“Did you pass your exam?”
“Well, it was like this – you see – ” .
“Shake! Neither did I.”
to pass an exam – сдать (выдержать) экзамен
Shake! – воскл. зд. брось!
Prof. : “Can you tell me anything about the great chemists of the 17th century?”
Stud . : “They are all dead, sir.”
chemist – химик
At a college examination a professor said: “Does the question embarrass you?”
‘‘Not at all, sir,” replied the student, “not at all. It is the answer that bothers me.”
to embarrass – смущать, затруднять
to bother – тревожить, беспокоить
The more we study, the more we know. The more we know, the more we forget. The more we forget, the less we know. The less we know, the less we forget. The less we forget, the more we know. So why study?
Prof . : “Hawkins, what is a synonym?”
Stud : “It ’s a word you use in place of another one when you cannot spell the other one.”
During a Christmas exam, one of the questions was:
“What causes a depression?”
One of the students wrote: “God knows! I don’t. Merry Christmas!”
The exam paper came back with the prof’s notation:
“God gets 100, you get zero. Happy New Year!”
Christmas – рождество
Christmas exam – экзамен в зимнюю сессию (перед рождеством)
depression – депрессия, спад, упадок
merry – веселый, радостный
The professor rapped on his desk and shouted: “Gentlemen, order!”
The entire class yelled: “Beer!”
to rap – постучать, стучать
order – порядок
to order – заказывать
beer – пиво
“If the Dean doesn’t take back what he said to me this morning, I am going to leave college.”
“What did he say?”
“He told me to leave college.”
dean – декан
The bright student looked long and thoughtfully at the second examination question, which read: “State the number of tons of coal shipped out of the United States in any given year.” Then his brow cleared and he wrote: “ 1492 – none.”
to state – указать, назвать
ton – тонна
coal – уголь
to ship out – вывозить (морем, на кораблях)
brow – лоб, чело
Prof . : “Before we begin the examination are there any questions?”
Stud . : “What’s the name of this course?”
Prof . : “Wake up that fellow next to you.”
Stud . : “You do it, prof, you put him to sleep.”
to wake up – разбудить
to wake (woke, woken) – будить
to put smb. to sleep – усыпить
Prof . : “You can’t sleep in my class.”
Stud : “If you didn’t talk so loud I could.”
Math. teacher: “Now we find that X is equal to zero.”
Stud . : “Gee! All that work for nothing!”
math. – разг. – математика
equal – равный
Gee! – восклицание удивления или недовольства
Medical prof. : “What would you do in the case of a person eating poisonous mushrooms?”
Stud .: “Recommend a change of diet.”
poisonous a [‘poiznəs] – ядовитый
mushroom n [‘mʃʌrum] – гриб
change n [tʃeindʒ] – изменение
diet n [‘daiət] – диета
Prof.: “Tell me one or two things about John Milton.”
Stud. : “Well, he got married and he wrote “Paradise Lost.” Then his wife died and he wrote “Paradise Regained.”
John Milton [‘dʒɒn ‘miltən] – Джон Мильтон (1608 – 1674), великий английский поэт и публицист
“Paradise Lost” [‘pærədaiz ‘lost] – «Потерянный рай»
“Paradise Regained” [‘pærədaiz ri’geind] – «Возвращенный рай» – названия поэм Мильтона.
“Our economics professor talks to himself. Does yours?”
“Yes, but he doesn’t realize it. He thinks we’re listening.”
“I shall now illustrate what I have in mind,” said the professor as he erased the board.
erase v [l’reiz] – стирать, счищать
board or blackboard n [‘bɔ:d, ‘blækbɔ:d] – доска
Stud .: “I’m indebted to you for all I know.”
Prof.: “Oh, don’t mention such a mere trifle.”
I’m indebted [in’detid] to you – я у вас в долгу, я вам обязан
mention v [‘menʃn] – упоминать
trifle п [‘traifl] – пустяк, мелочь
First stud. : “The dean says he is going to stop smoking in the college.”
Second stud. : “Huh! Next thing he’ll be asking us to stop it too.”
A college freshman was being severely criticized by his professor.
“Your last paper was very difficult to read,” said the professor, “Your work should be so written that even the most ignorant will be able to understand it.”
“Yes, sir,” said the student, “What part didn’t you get?”
freshman n [‘freʃmən] – студент первокурсник
ignorant a [‘ignərent] – невежественный, необразованный
get (got, got) v – понять, разобрать
Prof . : “A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer.”
Stud. : “No wonder so many of us flunk in our exams!”
fool n [fu:l] – дурак, глупец
wise a [waiz] – мудрый
flunk v [flʌŋk] (Amer.) – провалиться на экзамене
Prof . : “You missed my class yesterday, didn’t you?”
Stud . : “Not in the least, sir, not in the least!”
miss v [mis] – 1) пропускать (занятия, лекции и т. д.); 2) скучать о…
not in the least – нисколько, ни в коей мере
The professor was delivering the final lecture of the term. He dwelt with much emphasis on the fact that each student should devote all the intervening time preparing for the final examinations.
“The examination papers are now in the hands of the printer. Are there any questions to be asked?”
Silence prevailed. Suddenly a voice from the rear inquired:
“Who is the printer?”
dwell on v [dwel] – подробно останавливаться, распространяться о…
intervening [ˌɪntə’viːnɪŋ] -зд. оставшееся
printer п [‘printə] – печатник, типограф
English prof. : “What is the difference between an active verb and a passive verb?”
Stud. : “An active verb shows action and a passive verb shows passion.”
active a [‘æktiv] – 1. активный, деятельный 2. (грамм.) действительного залога
passive a [‘pæsiv] – 1. пассивный, безразличный 2. (грамм.) страдательного залога
action п [‘ækʃən] – действие
passion п [‘pæʃən] – страсть
In one of college classes the professor was unable to stay for the class, so he placed a sign on the door which read as follows: “Professor Blank will be unable to meet his classes today.”
Some college lad, seeing his chance to display his sense of humour after reading the notice, walked up and erased the “c” in the word “classes.” The professor noticing the laughter wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the sign with the “c” erased — calmly walked up and erased the “l” in “lasses”, looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.
sign n [sain] — объявление
notice n [‘noutis] — объявление
display v [dis’plei] — проявить, показать
wheel around v [‘wi:l ə’raund] — повернуться, обернуться назад
lass n [læs] — девушка
ass n [æs] — осел
flabbergasted a [‘flæbəga:stid] — ошеломленный
proceed on one’s way [prə’si:d] — продолжать свой путь
Prof.: “Never mind the date. The examination is more important.”
Stud. : “Well, sir, I wanted to have something right on my paper.”
The much preoccupied professor walked into the barber’s shop and sat in a chair next to a woman who was having her hair bobbed.“Haircut, please,” ordered the professor.“Certainly,” said the barber. “But if you really want a hairmt would you mind taking off your hat first?”
The customer hurriedly removed his hat.
“I ’m sorry,” he apologized as he looked around.“I didn’t know there was a lady present.”
barber n [‘bа:bə]— парикмахер
barber’s shop [‘ba:bəz ʃɔp] — парикмахерская
bob v [bɔb] — коротко стричься
haircut n — стрижка
customer n — клиент
to remove one’s hat — снять шляпу
Reporter : “What is the professor’s research work?”
Prof.’s housekeeper : “It consists principally in hunting for his spectacles.”
research work — научно-исследовательская работа
spectacles n [‘spektəklz] — очки
“So you use three pairs of glasses, professor?”
“Yes, one pair for long sight, one pair for short sight, and the third to look for the other two.”
short sight [‘ʃɔ:t sait] — зд. дальнее расстояние
long sight [‘lɔŋ sait]— зд. близкое расстояние
Rupert : “What did you do with the cuffs I left on the table last night?”
Roland : “They were so soiled I sent them to the laundry.”
Rupert: “Ye gods, the entire history of England was on them.”
cuff n [kʌf]— манжет (крахмальный)
soiled a [sɔild] — загрязненный, грязный
laundry n [‘lɔ:ndri] — прачечная
Pam: “Hasn’t Harvey ever married?”
Beryl : “No, and I don’t think he intends to, because he’s studying for a bachelor’s degree.”
Имена:
Pam [pæm]
Beryl [‘beril]
Harvey [‘ha:vei]
bachelor n [‘bætʃələ] — 1. холостяк,2. бакалавр (низшая ученая степень)
Freshman : “Say, what’s the idea of wearing my raincoat?”
Roomma t e : “Well, you wouldn’t want our new suit to get wet, would you?”
raincoat n [‘reinkout]— дождевик
Мужчины и женщины
— Can a woman make a man a millionaire?
— Of course, but only if he is a billionaire.
— Barrymore, they say that you married a very smart and beautiful woman?
— And who says that?
— Your wife.
“If you refuse me,” he swore, “I shall die.”
She refused him.
Sixty years later he died.
— Если ты мне откажешь, — поклялся он, — я умру.
Она отказала ему.
Шестьдесят лет спустя он ум
swear (swore, sworn) v — поклясться
“You are so kind, funny and beautiful».
“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed».
“And smart, too!”
“Why are you going to marry that police captain?”
“It is against the law, you know, to resist an officer”.
law n — закон
resist v — оказывать сопротивление, сопротивляться
She (tenderly): “When did you first know you loved me?”
He: “When I began to get mad when people said you were brainless and unattractive.”
tenderly – нежно
to get mad (Amer.) – сердиться
brainless – глупый
unattractive – непривлекательный
“What made you quarrel with Conrad?”
“Well, he proposed to me again last night.”
“Where was the harm in that?”
“My dear, I had accepted him the night before.”
quarrel v [‘kwɔrəl] — ссориться
harm n [ha:m] — вред, ущерб; зло, обида
accept v [ə’ksept] — принять (предложение), согласиться
Christine: “Why don’t you marry Percy?”
Catherine: “I will only marry a man who knows life and has learned its sorrows.”
Christine : “I see – a widower.”
Christine – Кристина
Catherine – Кэтрин
Percy – Перси
to marry – выходить замуж (жениться)
sorrow – огорчение, печаль
widower – вдовец
The young lady walked boldly up to a woman whom she took to be superintendent at the hospital.
“May I see Captain Williams, please?” she asked.
“May I ask who you are?”
“Certainly. I am his sister.”
“Well, well. I ’m glad to meet you. I’m his mother.”
boldly — смело
superintendent— заведующий, управляющий
whom she took to be… — которую она приняла за…
Люди встретились
The exceedingly stout lady indignantly tackled a bus inspector at a busy stopping-place.
“I want to report the conductor of that bus that’s just gone,” she shrilled. “He’s been rude!.”
“How?” asked the bored official.
“Why,” went on the lady. “He was telling people the bus was full up, and when I got off he said:
“Room for three inside.”
exceedingly [ik’siːdiŋli]— крайне, очень
stout — полный, тучный
indignantly— возмущенно
to tackle — наброситься
I want to report the conductor. — Я хочу пожаловаться на кондуктора.
to shrill — пронзительно кричать, визжать
rude a [ruːd]— грубый, невежливый
room n — место, пространство
Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”
Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”
Спорт
A tramp was sleeping behind the bunker of a golf course when the club secretary, prowling around, kicked
him none too gently and ordered him to clear cut.
“And who are you?” demanded the tramp.
“I’m secretary of the club,” said the official.
“Well,” replied the tramp, “that’s no way to get new members.”
tramp n [træmp] — бродяга
bunker n [‘bʌŋkə] — ямка (на поле для гольфа)
course n [kɔːs]— поле для игры в гольф
prowl v [praul] — бродить
kick v [kik] — ударить ногой
gently adv [‘ʤentlɪ]— тихо, нежно
clear out v [‘klɪə ‘aut] — уходить, убираться
demand v [di’ma:nd] — спрашивать, задавать вопрос
official n [ə’fɪʃəl] — служебное или должностное лицо
“Why do you play golf so much?”
“It keeps me fit.”
“What for?”
“Golf.”
golf n [golf]— гольф (игра)
to keep smb. fit — быть в хорошей форме
A keen golfer had a charming girl on his right at dinner, and gave her graphic descriptions of his achievements with the clubs hardly allowing her time to say more than “Really!”
During the dessert he remarked: “ I’m afraid I’ve been monopolizing the conversation and talking nothing but golf!”
“Oh, never mind,” said the girl, “but you might tell me: What is golf?”
keen a [ki:n] — ревностный
golfer n |ˈɡɒlfə|— игрок в гольф
charming a — очаровательный
description n — описание
achievement n — достижение
club n – бита, клюшка
hardly adv [‘ha:dli] — едва
really adv — в самом деле
dessert n |dɪˈzɜːt| — десерт
remark n [ri’ma:k] — замечание
never mind — ничего, не беспокойтесь
Rich man : “There’s no sense in teaching the boy to count over 100. He can hire accountants to do his book-keeping.”
Tuitor : “Yes, sir, but he’ll want to play his own game of golf, won’t he?”
there is no sense — нет смысла
count v [kaunt] — считать
hire v — нанимать
accountant n — бухгалтер
book-keeping n |ˈbʊkˌkiːpɪŋ| — бухгалтерия
tuitor n — учитель
Дети
Teacher:
— Tommy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
Tommy:
— You told me not to use tables.
A teacher asks:
— Johnny, if your father earns one hundred dollars and gives your mother fifty dollars, what will he have?
— A terrible quarrel, sir.
In the lesson of the Law of God:
— Jimmy, tell me, what a boy must be like to go to Heaven?
— Dead, sir!
A teacher asks:
— Why are you late?
— Because of the sign.
— What sign?
— The sign that says: "School Ahead. Go Slow."
Армия
At the inspection parade the inspector asked a man:
“How long have you been in the Army, Private Brown?"
"Too," was the answer.
"Too what?" the inspector asked again.
"Too long,” replied the soldier.
inspection parade - смотр
Искусство
Artist : “This is my latest picture. It ’s called ‘Builders at Work’. It ’s very realistic.”
Friend : “But they really aren’t at work.”
Artist : “Of course— that’s the realism.”
artist n ['a:tist] — художник
Artist : “Now, here’s a picture — one of my best, too. I’ve just finished. When I started out I had no idea what it was going to be.”
Friend : “After you got through, how did you find out what it was?”
to get through — зд. закончить
“You say that I am the first model you ever kissed?”
“Yes.”
“And how many models have you had before me?”
“Four. An apple, two oranges, and a vase of flowers.”
model n — 1. натурщица, натурщик, 2 . натура
orange n — апельсин
vase n — ваза
She: “ I hear you are a great artist.”
He: “I hope to be. I ’ve only just started.”
She: “What are you doing?”
He: “Well, I’m living in a studio and growing whiskers.”
studio n — мастерская художника
whiskers n — бакенбарды
Mrs . Newrich : “And the portrait will be really pretty?”
Artist : “Of course. You won’t know yourself.”
Закон есть закон
A judge woke up late one morning. It was already ten minutes to nine when he got ready, and at nine o’clock he had to be in the Law Court which was about four miles from his house. He called a taxi and said, “To the Law Court and make it quick!”
The driver started off, slowly with great care, looked to the right and left, calmly stopped at all traffic lights and just as calmly started off again.
The judge became more and more impatient. When they finally arrived at the Law Court, it was a quarter past nine.
The judge jumped out and swore at the taximan. The latter answered him calmly, “Look here, sir, last month you fined me for speeding. Now I take more care."
Перевод:
Семья
Unselfish Generosity
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
A husband asks his wife:
— Darling, what would you do if I won a million dollars?
— I'd take half and leave you.
— Excellent. I won ten dollars. Here is your five.
Медицина
A man came to the doctor.
— Doctor, I think I am invisible.
— Who said that?
Doctor: «I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.»
Patient: «What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!»
Doctor: «Nine.»
Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”
— Doctor, I have a problem. Everybody ignores me.
— Next, please.
A man visits his doctor.
— Doctor, I think my memory is getting worse.
— When did this problem start?
— What problem?
Овсянка, сэр!
An English lord comes to visit another and rings the doorbell.
The butler opens the door for him.
Lord:
— Good afternoon. Is Lord Johnson at home?
— No, sir, he went to the cemetery.
— Can you tell me if he will be back soon?
— I don't know, sir. He went there in a coffin.
— Barrymore, did you see the man who took my coat?
— Yes, sir!
— What did he look like, damn it?
— Terrible, sir! The sleeves were too short for him.
One morning, a butler runs into the hall shouting:
— Flood, flood!
The Lord gets up from his chair, straightens his robe and says:
— Michael, what kind of manners are those? Get out of here and announce properly!
The butler leaves the room.
A minute later the door opens and the butler announces:
— The Thames is coming to you, sir!
Morning.
Sir is sitting in a chair with a newspaper while having morning coffee.
The lady comes down the stairs from the bedroom and says:
— Bad news, sir. What we thought was pregnancy turned out not to be pregnancy...
— How, lady, will we not have an heir?
— Unfortunately no, sir...
— What should we do now?
— We'll have to repeat it.
Sir in despair:
— God! Again, these ridiculous meaningless gestures!
Русские
Summer in the village.
A man is sitting on a toilet without a door.
A neighbor passes by:
— Petrovich, you should at least hang the door.
— Door? Why? What is there to take here?!
Политика
— You are accused of insulting a person. You compared the parliament deputy to a prostitute!
— Excuse me, which of them is complaining?
Деньги, деньги, деньги
In the jewelry store:
— Tell me, how much does this necklace cost?
— One thousand dollars.
— Terrible! And how much does that one cost?
— Two terribles.
Общепит
A customer enters a restaurant.
— Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
— The backstroke, sir.
A man comes into a library.
— I'd like a hamburger and a cup of coffee, please.
The librarian whispers:
— Sir, this is a library.
— Oh, sorry.
Then he whispers:
— I'd like a hamburger and a cup of coffee, please.
A customer asks the waiter:
— Waiter, will the pancakes be long?
— No, sir. They will be round.
A customer complains:
— Waiter, there is a hair in my soup!
— Don't worry, sir. It's rabbit soup.
At a restaurant.
— Waiter, taste this soup!
— What's wrong with it, sir?
— Just taste it!
— Is it too salty?
— Taste it!
— Is it cold?
— Taste it!
— All right, where is the spoon?
— Aha!
Путешествия и туризм
A tourist asks a local resident:
— Excuse me, how long does it take to get to the station?
— About ten minutes.
The tourist walks away.
Five minutes later he comes back.
— You said ten minutes, but I have been walking for five minutes and still haven't reached the station.
— That's because you are walking in the wrong direction.
Наука
A man says to his friend:
— I have just read a book about anti-gravity.
— Is it interesting?
— Very. I can't put it down.
